i just don't know what's wrong with me these days. i suppose there is just cause to be stressed. left old job, starting new. moving, then while moving looking for new place to move. car not doing well. computer not doing well. roommates who dislike you. but i mean, i'm not in the depths of despair. things will work out. all of this will be behind me soon. and yet, i keep snapping. i cried again tonight, without real warning. i suppose there's a lot i'm internalizing and i don't even know it. such a strange and vulnerable thing to be posting in a blog for everyone to see. but that's life i suppose. everything has the appearence of fitting together just fine. so why do i feel like everything's falling apart at the same time? i feel like there's no real good way to express this when you're a christian. i mean, out it comes from your mouth and what's it pinned as. you're not right with God. you're having a crisis of faith. you're depressed. you're clearly not in the Word or praying enough. so what are the options in an intentional community where you find youself in a position of leadership? pretend everything's going alright and you've got it together? that's the opposite intent for a community like threenails and i DON'T want to be that kind of Christian. if life is going to be anything, it should at least be real. so how do you exist in this quandry and still be someone who is passionately pursuing God? i feel so confused tonight. i suppose maybe i should stop thinking on my feet and start praying on my knees.
posts will be more infrequent over the next week because the ibook is being fixed. hopefully it returns home sooner than later.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
thank you ...
I googled 'take this heart and make it break'. I'd been listening to U2's Yahweh, and I woke with the last lines playing in my brain.
Last August, my son drowned. As a Christian I hoped that the indescribable grief and physical heart ache would be easier. It's been a living hell. Aug. 15 it'll be a year. My heart is so broken, well, it's mush. My family is a mess. Then I read your blog. I now know that at least one person out there is on the same wavelength. What is God doing? I've trusted Him, then finally raged at Him. I turned my back on Him, denying His existence. I came close to suicide. That was about 10 days ago. So, I google a phrase ... and you're there. Thank you.
I'm Carry. I live in BC on Vancouver Island. Kelly, I'll be praying for you.
Post a Comment