night drives and keeping on...

it's quiet here on alder street tonight and i can't seem to bring myself to sleep. regardless, i still feel at peace. i can give some credit as of late to the unusual pittsburgh weather. it's been just perfect. especially the nights. if i didn't know better i'd go out now and walk the quiet streets. a city at rest is an experience in which you must partake at some point in your life. these days i just want to walk but driving is great too, the streets are empty and it's like the city is just for you in that hour.

when i was around home more my dad and i traditionally took "night drives." we never had much money at all in those later years and driving got us both away from home or wherever it was we were running from, and it was the most he had to give me. some time, some space, and some music. it was...is, when i'm home, our special time. we crank up the music and roll down the windows and drive for hours, to no destination in particular. he likes to talk about how he'd take me out for night drives when i was a baby to get me to sleep and here i am, 22 years old and we're still driving. these are the nights i think of night drives.

i've been thinking lately, that though i get annoyed with getting left in the dust with plans or arrangements being "the single one" in a community of couples, i'm alright with where i'm at. and while this changes, and i promise will continue to, i think i like who i am. i'm not perfect. i've got a fair amount of rough edges. i interalize things too much. my life isn't disciplined and i don't trust Him enough. i'm messy and disorganized and i can care too much about what people think. but i'm okay with that. i'm artistic and i can finally say that with confidence knowing there's always going to be someone who's going to be better than me and i can't be waiting around to pass some undefined threshold where i can finally say that. i care about people. deeply. i desire to see people understand the love i've experienced in their own lives and i'll make the sacrifices and the changes in my life that are needed to be there, on the level with people, just where they're at. and i like damn good music.

He made me this way, in all my imperfections and craziness i am confident that it was with a purpose... of serving Him to the glory of His name. no more than a broken vessel. no less.

i appreciate the time i've been given right now to give to relationships and committments that i never could if i was in a relationship. what a lesson in the beauty of servanthood this has been. and how blessed i am to have it. and i'm well aware of how damn special the guy is going to have to be to live in the ghetto, give up financial stability, and listen to ani with me. let's be honest. that's just not every guy. but in the meantime, i'm okay to keep on learning. to keep on growing. to keep on wearing skirts over my jeans. to keep on losing my keys 30 seconds after putting them down. to keep on working on the six or so books i've started and never finished. and to keep on blasting "knuckle down" with the windows rolled down in the eagle and the check engine light still on.


to keep on pushing towards more of the truth, and life on the edge of where God is moving.