allelujah, grace like rain falls down on me.

it's been quite a few days since i've updated. most of that is due to the chaos of moving, but the rest of it is that i have so much that i want to pour out onto paper but it's just not all formulated in my head to get down.

despite, or possibly because of all the changes that have come as of late - new job, new place to live, new role in leadership, etc, etc, etc. i feel like God has rekindled some fire in my heart that had burned down to glowing embers. lately i have felt in such bondage to lies. lies about myself, lies about God and it was debilitating! it made me want to crumple into a ball on the floor and say no more, raise my white flag. and i did crumple...my face buried in my knees. and what happened then...grace like rain fell down on me. it has soaked me to the bone and made me alive again. Christ has come and held out his hand for me to take, pulling me up, looking at me and saying..."less of you, more of me" and filled me with his spirit as i step back to let him in. as i step back he is fighting the battles inside this broken soul...and the words repeat over and over in my head like a record skipping "there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." and again, the phrase i've been hearing Him insist to me over the past months, "there is FREEDOM here." i feel like i can taste bite sized pieces of this freedom and i crave more and more of it. i hunger for more of Him and it makes my heart race.

last night i was the celebrant for the liturgy at the threenails gathering. yesterday afternoon my mom and kevin left after helping me move but not before my mom and i had a film worthy performance of a fight in the middle of centre avenue in pittsburgh. it broke my heart, as all my fights with my mom have over the years and i watched her drive off as i cried on the sidewalk. i felt like a horrible witness to my mother and a failure as a person and totally broken. it was fairly awful. then i went back and took the prayer book in my hands and said "Lord, what the hell do you want me doing this for? i'm nothing if not totally unqualified to lead people in worship. i'm so broken, i don't want to do this tonight." i opened my copy of the message and turned to the passage of Ephesians that dan was speaking on. this is what Paul wrote...

"This is my life work: helping people understand and respond to this Message. It came as a sheer gift to, a real surprise, God handling all the details. When it came to presenting the Message to people who had no background in God's way, I was the least qualified of any of the available Christians. God saw to it that i was EQUIPPED, but you can be sure that it had nothing to do with my natural abilities. And so hear i am, preaching and writing about things that are way over my head, the inexhaustible riches and generousity of Christ."

so i said okay. and i stepped back and let Him come in. i talked to my mom later last night and told her that the guilt and the condemnation and the resentment she felt was not from me and was not from erin and that if she felt guilt i pray she would be RELEASED from that, because it was not the truth. i don't know where it came from but it came out of my mouth. she was quiet for a while and when she finally spoke again she was crying and said she didn't want to talk anymore tonight.

today the calers came through town and took me out to breakfast. it had been almost a year since i had seen and it was so wonderful. i love them so much and their love for me is a renewing encouragement i often feel not worthy of receiving. they are always my advocate and josh is the best adopted big brother any girl could ask for. josh and i engaged in a riveting theological discussion and it was exactly the way i believe that's supposed to look like...people worshipping God over coffee and pressing into the truth, respecting each other's opinions and perspectives, even if they don't match with one's own. i'm psyched about going to visit them in july and i'm so glad i got to see them today.