I am. and the art of falling down.

unexpected provision in the desert. this is what the last couple weeks have been.

At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. As Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased."
At once the Spirit sent him out into the desert, and he was in the desert forty days, being tempted by Satan. He was with the wild animals, and angels attended him. - Mark 1:9-13

You are my Son, whom i love...at once the spirit sent him out into the desert..and angels attended him.

...and angels attended him.

being challenged in giving up control of my life has been a theme lately. so many things have happened where i have felt sent into the desert, and certainly tempted by Satan, but angels have attended me. every time. when i least expected it. when my ear was leaning in towards Satan's lies, angels attended me.

i thought for sure i had completely f-ed up my cell group, i believed the lies i heard and took a step towards the darkness last week saying "i can't be a leader. how can i lead people when i'm as messed up as them? i can't do this. i'm not fit for it. i don't have what it takes." i tore myself up on wednesday night and my guilt in failure led me to questioning my worth with God. i am failing you so what am i worth? of course, worth doesn't work that way but it's funny how Satan slips in through the loopholes, huh? i fasted on thursday. i wanted to cut out the lies and my desire to control and FIX this situation. i prayed God would step in in my place and that i would find grace with him and these girls i cared for. I clearly could not lead them, but he could. i got a reply to an e-mail from my co-pastor and friend, kris. the first words were "freedom to fail, kell. God's not going to let you f--- something up that he's in." freedom to fail. unexpected provision.

the other day i was at work at a client's house, my hardest client, and i was so frustrated..with him for not listening, for being difficult, with myself for losing patience with him, for not loving him, for not treating him like the beautiful child of God he is, for not doing my job the way he deserved me to. i layed back on the bed as it was about time to go, i said "i can't do this" and started to cry. my phone started to ring and i looked over at it. the name "daniel" flashed on the screen and i let it go to voicemail and listened to the message as i left the most depressed neighborhood i know in pittsburgh. "i'm just calling to say hi" i heard. i called him back and we talked for 45 minutes and he talked about how the gospel "is" and how it turns his world upside down to read how God said in the OT "I am." and then when Jesus told Moses "I am who you say I am." the gospel and the truth of God is not contained in a church building. he is in everything and he is with us in the shadow lounge and he is with me at my client's house and he is unwaivering. he is constant. he is "I am." how amazing is that? and what peace comes from that when we are sure we are alone in the desert? and angels attended him. unexpected provision.

i've been challenged to let go of control over my life, one of my biggest issues with God, even in my relationships. i have made a conscious decision to allow God to move through the people around me and not fight his work outside of my control. what patience it has demanded of me, but what unexpected provision. i've begun to question why i fight traditional gender role dynamics. is it legitimate or reactionary? now don't worry folks, i'm not going stepford wife on y'all. and some of it legitimate, but the truth of the matter is, i've never been treated so kindly, so respectfully by a guy, and i never grew up seeing a woman be treated that way, and i was raised to learn how to "take care of myself." to "be independent." so when i was left with only myself, i could be self-sufficient. i love my mother dearly, but these are the words she taught me, for better or for worse and being faced dead on with being cared for, i am learning to let my guard down, pushing my control to the side, to see the simple beauty in being taken care of. of being "attended to." unexpected provision.



the art of falling down doesn't look so bad when you realize the freedom you receive in return



and now i leave you, as all good blog posts should, with patty griffin, who writes music like my heart thinks...

We are swimming with the snakes
At the bottom of the well
So silent and peaceful in the darkness where we fell
But we are not snakes and what’s more
We never will be
And if we stay swimming here forever we will
Never be free

I heard them ringing the bells
In heaven and hell
They got a secret
They’re getting ready to tell
It’s falling from the sky
Calling from the graves
Open your eyes, boy, I think we are saved
Open your eyes, boy, I think we are saved
Let’s take a walk on the bridge
Right over this mess
Don’t need to tell me a thing, baby
We’ve already confessed
And I raised my voice to the air
And we were blessed
Everybody needs a little forgiveness
Everybody needs a little forgiveness

We are calling for him tonight on this
Thin phone line
As usual we’re having ourselves one
Hell of a time
And the planes keep flying right over our heads
No matter how loud we shout
Hey, hey, hey !
And we keep waving and waving
Our arms in the air
But we’re all tired out

I heard somebody say
Today’s the day
A big old hurricaine
Is blowing our way
Knocking over the buildings
Killing all the light
Open your eyes, boy, we made it through the night
Open your eyes, boy, we made it through the night
Let’s take a walk on the bridge
Right over this mess
Don’t need to tell me a thing, baby
We’ve already confessed
And I raised my voice to the air
And we were blessed
Everybody needs a little forgiveness
Everybody needs a little forgiveness