indiana overnight

this past friday night, on a last minute decision, i made plans to accompany my roommate caitlyn to south bend, indiana. caitlyn got an interview with the ACE program with notre dame and had to make a less than 24 hour trek out across the state of ohio for an interview on saturday. so we dropped off linus at his sister's, trusty blanket in paw and headed west. we arrived at the eternal student's abode at about 1:30am where we encountered a flurry of what seemed to be a combination of too much caffeine and an attempt to clean the bathroom. how wonderful for my soul it was to see my dear friend and sister and take up residence on her couch once again for the night. though i did have to ask the gnomes to stop hogging the cushions, i suppose they're not used to sharing.

in the morning there was coffee and good conversation while taking turns with the bathroom mirror. caitlyn went off to campus for her interview and M and i headed into south bend to my favorite irish pub, fiddler's hearth. there we met sarah, a friend from our grover days and fellow freshman hallmate of both of our's. at fiddler's we ate a traditional irish breakfast and went on to sit there for 4 hours, talking about life, important ideas and funny stories, empassioned opinions and heartfelt concern and general silliness that i rest in the fact that we will never lose. we without a doubt outlasted and exceeded the volume of any other patron there that morning and made our waiter laugh when he came into the conversation on lines like "maybe he's a homophobic cat" and "he says he wants to roll me in chocolate!" i can't explain how wonderful and soul feeding it was to sit with these girls and giggle and laugh till i had to hold my stomach and feel the love and support that can only come from people that have known you through six years. as we left south bend, my heart felt sad for having to leave behind what was that morning but knowing that it certainly wasn't going anywhere, regardless of distance and time, there would always be time for giggling.

well that's the fun part of the story. are you ready for the rest? well, here it goes. we braved a storm that surprised us through the whole state of ohio, taking turns driving 25 mph on the turnpike and praying for the appearence of the next rest stop. when we hit pennsylvania we were sure we were in the clear and got excited about nearing home. what followed is hard to explain the gist is we found ourselves in a horrible, 12 car wreck which at best guess was caused by black ice. our car lost control and crashed straight into another car that had already crashed and was facing in our direction, we went spinning and hit another car and then were hit by another, finally stopping when we hit the guard rail. my mind just shut off. i suppose i thought well this is it, we're going to die but when we finally stopped i thought, okay well we're going home now, apparently unaware that caitlyn's car was completely destroyed. i was stuck in my seatbelt and couldn't breathe. people outside were screaming for us to get out and i saw smoke which i wasn't sure was from the airbags or the car and my roommate was yelling to me to come to as she tried to kick out the back door, her's being completely smashed in. i looked up and saw that the windshield on my side was shattered and managed to kick open my door and get out of the street. all i could hear was screaming and cars hitting each other over and over again, an 18 wheeler almost tipping over, people running or aimlessly wandering around unsure of what to make of what had just happened to them. it ended up being a long night of ambulances and tow trucks and hospitals and oh so many things to sign and fill out and finally getting home at 4am.

the cops and the paramedics couldn't believe we were alive and as i drifted off to sleep on the couch that night i had a dream, more really like a flash image of a dead lamb layed out, being sacrificed i guess and some words i'm still not totally sure what they were except "HAVE HOPE" and "not yet. not your time yet." it shook me and i came to a realization that for some time as i've been fairly depressed i've been telling God, i don't want to do this anymore and just wanting him to take me and this was him clearly saying NO, this is where i have you right now and it's not a mistake. i felt blessed to have been saved from a fate that in real life terms should have been mine but over the course of the next day i began to feel depressed again. maybe it's a PTSD thing, a residual effect of too many emotions and pain going on at once but i wanted other people to be glad i was okay too, i wanted someone around who was obligated to take care of me but instead i was just alone and i wondered, if this is where i'm supposed to be for now, then what's going on. why the hell do i feel this way and why am i alone.

i haven't been at work the past two days and the doctor's orders are to take off till thursday. as it is i will probably only have just enough vacation time to be close to making up the time i'm missing and i'm not quite sure how i'll pay the bills but i'm told that isn't something i should be worrying about right now, so i guess i'm trying not to. emily came over this afternoon and i wanted to cry i was so happy to see her loving face and though linus barked through most of the time she stayed i wished she didn't have to leave.

i've been so confused over the events of the past two weeks, trying to piece them together and figure out what they're supposed to mean and how i should be feeling. i had a conversation tonight with a friend i felt was heartbreaking. it was like it was in another language and i was trying desperately to understand it and respond in the appropriate way, in the way she wanted, that would be helpful and healing to her and i just couldn't, everything was wrong, everything i said was wrong and this safe place i had in my cell group isn't there and i don't know how to get it back or what to do and i feel like i should know what i did wrong but i can't and i feel at a total loss of what to say or do but just incredibly sad and discouraged.

why does God want me on this earth, serving him when i keep hearing how i'm screwing up, how i'm failing miserably? how in the world is this broken child of his any use to him? i don't understand. i don't understand why i was spared. but i thank him that i was as it's clear that's what he wanted.

Abba Father, please help me see more clearly how you desire me to be serving you.
give me the grace to accept the things i cannot change. the means to forgive myself as you for some reason forgive me.
the courage and discernment to change the things i can.
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Jesus have mercy on me and rescue me from myself.
i want desperately to live in your joy.