watching the rain fall.

i was talking to a friend last night about fear. he asked me if i was afraid.

"afraid of what?" i asked.

"afraid of getting to know someone. of someone getting to know you..."

"well, maybe of someone getting to know me," was my reply. fear is a funny thing. the reality of it is that what i most fear is what i least recognize it to be. i don't know about you, but i think i develop scripts for myself...about myself. this is who i am. anybody have questions? this is my set of answers. these are the things i desire. these are the things i fear. do i think it will make it easier for myself? i told my friend last night that i thought i was afraid of being abandoned. but in reflection i don't think that's actually true. not fear. expectation. which is just as, if not more dangerous..though not outside of God's redemption. i'm tossing my scripts out the window. life is a working definition. what i feared 2 years ago may be my heart's desire today. that's the beauty of being a follower of Jesus.

people rarely fear what they are accustomed to. even if it is dysfunctional, even if they know there is something healthier for them. it is COMFORTABLE. it is KNOWN. one of the biggest hurdles for those with depression is to leave the comfortable, known, predictable yet dyfunctional reality they are living in for one that is unknown yet undeniabley the only road to true peace and emotional stability. i mean, that's what surrendering ourselves to Christ is all about as well, isn't it? sin is comfortable. darkness is predictable. stepping into the light, surrendering ourselves to the only truth...that can be scary. the challenge i guess sometimes is to desire that which is uncomfortable, and then really seek it.

so being left alone (work with me here, i don't mean without God). i've been there. expectation. not a good thing. but not being left alone. of trusting. of being cared for. could that actually be the fear? here's the sweet spot though. are you ready? by grace, Christ is turning yesterday's fear into the desire of my heart today. these are the places where i see the beauty of Christ. i think fear is a natural human emotion to be acknowledged. read Psalms and you'll find it. like a lot of things, it can be what drives us away from seeking God, or..it can be exactly what he takes and uses to draw us in close to Him and his truth, covering us and our fears with grace saying "I am. and I love you." with this we are refined and that fear becomes a reminder of our brokeness and need for Him, our inability to make this work on our own. he takes our fears, our brokeness and turns them to his glory in using them in us serving him, connecting with others and blessing people in his truth.

so this is to say, i'm not afraid of my fears. there's grace like rain to cover them, and transform them to the glory of his kingdom.