to make a wretch his treasure.

tonight i was confronted with two drastically conflicting emotions.

this evening was the threenails "state of the community" address. things generally seemed to go well and i think the message presented was what we hoped for. we confessed we had fallen short of what God had called us to, and asked people to follow us into a new season of being a part of what God is doing. lately i have wanted to run away from life being hard here, dreaming about other places i could go and leave behind the messiness that is my life in pittsburgh. this evening i felt hope come back into my vision surrounded by people deeply invested in my community, and the messiness seemed easier to tackle. i left tonight though, feeling very much alone after a conversation that made only the ugliness of my soul and all my broken pieces visible that i could not turn away from. my understandings of grace, forgiveness, love, redemption, freedom felt distant and far out of reach. i wanted nothing more than to slink away from any opportunity i had to interact with anyone as my vulnerability to hurt and be hurt became intensely present. of course that's not something i can do. my position in threenails puts me in the business of vulnerability and relationship, and with that joy and pain, support and complication follow. i wonder if this is where all leaders find themselves at times.

i feel like a kid wearing boots that are too big for me and i keep tripping over my own feet. to those of you who i've hurt in the process, i'm sorry. at the heart of it i want to wear the boots. i want to believe i'll grow into them a little more. and i want people to understand why i keep falling, and tell me it's okay and if i bump into them on the way down or getting up, that they forgive me. more importantly, i want to know this from God. i want to know redemption and grace, forgiveness love and freedom in a way that they are active in my moment to moment life. i want to embrace these things in each breath i take so that i can more fully live them out in my life with others. what do you have all you can see is you own ugliness? certainly nothing worth living for. in times such as this, my dependence on God and awareness of my salvation becomes an in your face reality.

pray that i don't close my eyes.



what should i gain from his reward? i can not give an answer.
but this i know with all my heart. his wounds have paid my ransom.