stand firm. stand.

why don't you write about it? kathryn asked me tonight. i've tried so many times to start writing something here about my life over the last several months. but tonight, what is there left to do but write and pray. so here i am. an extraordinary series of unfortunate events have come my way over the last couple weeks and i am left wondering why.

i lost my job. the first job i had that was actually excited about. that i actually liked. i lost my job as i took a pen in my hand to sign a new lease to a new apartment. the professor decided to move the study to the university of texas. i have till october 1st to find something else. in an effort to soothe my frustrations in job searching, i went downtown to hot dogma with my roommate for ice cream. i accidently parked at a meter where you could park between 4 and 6. the car was ticketed and towed within minutes. the cost? $200. my mom came the other day. on my way to get my car inspected with her i noticed my car unlocked. my eyes traveled to the back window. it was smashed. my car was broken into in front of my house. they took my wallet and everything in it. the alarm never went off. debit cards- for myself and three nails, social security card, license, insurance cards -gone. chances are they were looking for cash. if they were, they would have found $8. my insurance doesn't cover the window. it will cost $150 to replace. i will have to watch my credit for the next year for identity theft. the tv broke (or so i thought). at my wit's end i bought a new one. turns out the old one didn't break. linus is really sick and i don't know what's wrong but i haven't had a good night's sleep in days. taking him to the doctor tomorrow will be spending more money i don't have but at least he might be closer to feeling better. at the end of the night i went to put a payment on my past due student loan. the monthly payments have increased again. damn grove city loans.

are you exhausted reading this? well, you and me both then. i know that God's faithfulness is not measured by whether things go the way i want them to or not. but i can't help but feel like His presence is growing dim. i feel like i'm being punished for something. my mind sifts through my sins like fingers on a rolodex. he'd have plenty of good reason i think to myself. but i know that's not the way this works. i know that by grace alone my sins are covered by christ's death. so what is this then? just the messiness of life in one big bad clump? kris and dan and i have been reevaluating our past year of leadership in threenails. talking through the bad things, what needs to change, celebrating the good things, recommitting ourselves to leadership, making changes, praying through the vision God has for this movement. it's been hard, but it's been good hard. i think about what i used to call spiritual warfare and i wonder if this is it.

something that hit me came up at our worship gathering last night. the lectionary reading was ephesians 6.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."

kris spoke on it. the armor of God passage. he talked about how many times the word stand is used. how often this passage is used in an offensive way, taken to be a charge to go out and fight God's battles as part of His army. but in fact, what Paul charges us to do is stand, not run and fight. in this way it's more defensive than offensive. God, sovereign over everything, has given us what we need to stand when the messiness of this life comes hurling at us, and at the end of the day, after we have done everything, we will still be standing. everything that has happened in the last couple weeks, hell the last year hasn't come easy, but at the end of the day, after i have done everything, i can rest on the fact that i am still standing - not by my own abilities which would have left me in the gutter long ago, but because of Him. these trials are temporal and passing. He will not leave me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will cover me,
and the light around me turn to night,"
Darkness is not dark to you;
the night is as bright as the day;
light and dark are to you both alike.
-Psalm 139