updating this blog has been like putting off that letter you mean to write. you sit down and start but the moment passes and the thoughts lose their momentum and here you are back in the middle again. so many of these moments have come and gone and i have failed to put pen to paper with my mind.
there was a show at the shadow lounge tonight. kathryn and nicolette played among others and the crowd was filled with a fair number of faces i recognized, and many i have grown accustomed to call family. moments like these have made up a collection of those most surreal for me. i know the people, they are the ones i have shared my life with and each comes with it's own story. i know the music, i remember it being written and i know what it's about, it bids me to recall my own memories of the past years, and it hits me on a level that is deep and soul turning and part of me wishes to stay in the safety of it's familiarity, the lyrics of our shared experience.
i've been unhappy lately. i could pick something to blame it on if i wanted to but there's not much point to that. in many ways it's been a season of clarity unlike any other in my life where i've come to better understand why i do the things i do, what has shaped and made me into the person i am becoming, and with that an understanding that despite past misconceptions, the culmination of all that is not a result of me being an inherently bad person, which has been freeing in a sense. at the same time i have moments where i have never felt crazier in my life. such a strange battle i find myself in: feeling more distant from God of my own accord than i have in a long time, yet never hungering to be nearer to Him and pray His grace wash over me more. perhaps it is at the most distant point that i find Him.
well. that will do for now.
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