tonight i went to grove city to visit friends who have moved back to school. as it turned out almost everyone wasn't around and i spent a good deal of time walking around by myself. i got a very real sense of not belonging there anymore. even though it was a place i spent four years of my life, it wasn't mine anymore.
so, i got back in the car and headed home. i also went to test my car out on the road after having sunk $500 into it just this past week to replace the water pump and the timing belt. as far as i could tell all went well until i pulled into squirrel hill, rolling down my window to hear the horrible noises that were coming from my car, loud metal on metal sounds as i pulled up in front of my house. i got out and went inside, sat down and started to cry. the words that came to mind... i give up. i work really hard at a job i don't particulary care for to get a pretty small paycheck that hardly pays for my expenses, much less this car or an alternative solution to this problem. i work at this job so that i can stay in pittsburgh and be a part of/a leader of threenails that lately i feel like's been in some ways falling apart at the seams. i don't have enough money to pay to fix this car and i don't have the money to buy a new one and i don't have anyone to cosign a lease or a financing agreement for me. i've tried hard to be independent and live my own life but i keep failing. i'm not good enough at my job, everyone has complaints about threenails and i feel like a failure as a leader, even if i did have the time to attend to the things they see need to change. my dad and my grandma and probably my mom see me as a failure and a disappointment and a burden to them. my grandparents think i should just be back in school but i don't want to get myself in more debt to find myself in the same place i am now. i didn't move home because as much as i love my family i was self destructive at home and it would have only caused me to hurt myself. so i've tried to make it on my own and failed. shouldn't life be easier than this at 22?
no more for tonight. no more.
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4 comments:
You can never go back. Anyway if you are still hanging around the school yard ten years after graduation people start to think you are retarded. A crummy car and being in Pittsburgh, that is a prescription for despair. It sounds like it's time for a change . You can put up with alot of loss as long as you don't lose hope. This is the first time I don't have an extra car lying around. Even if I did it probably wouldn't pass inspection in the commonwealth.
well, still a far cry from ten years, but i think it was important that i did what i did last night. it gave me an understanding of closure to that part of my life that can feel sort of fuzzy, living so close and around so many people i went to college with. college in our society is considered such a great rite of passage in life. afterwards...well, being independent and having a career, that's a rite of passage too but it's not so clearly defined. being there last night, i knew that i had moved on.
i think it is time for a change with the car, but i'm not quite sure what that looks like just yet. it can't be a time for change with pittsburgh as apartment leases don't lend themselves to unexpected changes. things will get better. it's not the first time i've seen hard times here in the 'burgh. and i do have a community of people who care about me and will see me through this until a change of some sort is in order.
thanks for the thought and wisdom of experience babba. feel free to keep it comin.
O MERCIFUL God, and heavenly Father, who hast taught us in thy holy Word that thou dost not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men; Look with pity, we beseech thee, upon the sorrows of thy servant for whom our prayers are offered. Remember her, O Lord, in mercy; endue her soul with patience; comfort her with a sense of thy goodness; lift up thy countenance upon her, and give her peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
COMFORT, we beseech thee, most gracious God, this thy servant, cast down and faint of heart amidst the sorrows and difficulties of the world; and grant that, by the power of thy Holy Spirit, she may be enabled to go upon her way rejoicing, and give thee continual thanks for thy sustaining providence; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
peace, dear kel. i'll send along a pic of the el which will bring a bit of cheer, tho won't help with the car situation.
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