we need better grace for this..

i've had moments lately where i've needed to remind myself to breathe. last week left me a bit short of breath and i couldn't seem to catch it. this weekend i went down to virginia/dc with ian, emily and nicolette. we went down to celebrate a friend's engagement. yesterday we hiked down to the potomac river and it was the fresh air i needed to breathe again for a moment's time. to sit on a rock in the middle of a creek, at the edge of the great expanse of a river with a waterfall behind me and trees and God's creation in every direction. hiking down rocks in the creek required a certain amount of deliberation and faith not to slip or fall and i felt God testing me, saying "STEP OUT." "BREATHE." "it's you and me here kid. it's alright." last night in the middle of a loud party, i fell asleep with my head on emily's lap and things felt safe and good. BREATHE. i slept deeper last night than i have in a long time, and i didn't wake up with a great sense of dread for the day as i have recently. as night came though and our car came up on pittsburgh, and i headed down edgewood avenue towards my own house, i felt sick to my stomach, and short of breath again, and dread came upon me. i don't want to go home. i don't want to face what's there. i don't want to go to sleep because i don't want to go to work in the morning. i don't want to face tomorrow because tomorrow means facing the fact that i have no money, and bills to pay, and a roommate that hates me, and a guy who doesn't want me, and a job that drains me, and a dog i don't take care of well enough, and i wonder when i'll be happy. when i'll learn to trust God with the "i don't know"s and the "not good enough"s and take peace and rest in His love and salvation of me in my darkest parts. in the car ride back nicolette mentioned how often we fall into thinking "i'm a sinner. yes. but if i try harder, i can do better, and then i'll be a little bit less of a sinner." i do this. i want things to be less tumultuous, less crisis, less desperate but i know these are the places God is asking me to see Him. where there's a weight on my chest and my stomach's in knots, this is the place where God is saying "SEE ME. I AM. WITHOUT ME THERE IS NOTHING. YOUR LIFE IS NOT YOUR OWN, AND THEREFORE THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ON YOUR OWN. PLEASE CHILD, BREATHE."

it's the easter season now, lent is over. and i pray that God might reveal Himself here, and that I may rejoice in the knowledge that He loves me, that hope is not lost but to be found, along with grace. and the place that i'm in right now will not last forever, and someday these worries will have passed away, but for today they can be His, and not mine. and in the meantime, it's okay for me to need my community, and need Him. that there's grace. grace.